How to avoid the friend zone on a WLW date

Yay – you landed a date as a WLW woman! But even if you’re excited, you can’t shake the fear that you’ll end up becoming friends instead of something more. Sigh. Welcome to the world of sapphic dating. As if being a WLW (woman-loving woman) wasn’t challenging enough, sometimes there’s also the tricky task of avoiding bestie vibes and making it clear that your date is, in fact, a date.

If you’ve ever felt the shift from romantic to friendly or never managed to develop a romantic vibe, you know how stressful WLW dating can be. Great, another friend, but what you’re really looking for is something more.

Chances are, you’ve spent a lot of time building friendships over the years, but when it comes to flirting (with women), that’s a whole different story and not something anyone really teaches. The good news is that there are no hard and fast dating rules – no traditional gender expectations and things you “should” do. But on the other hand, it may leave you disoriented; Panic might set in, and that’s completely normal.

Content creator Lauren Payton recently posted a video about this exact dilemma called “How to Avoid Bestie Vibes on a Date with a Girl.” The comments were full of people sharing the same struggles and offering their own advice, ranging from “Don’t go to the bathroom together” to “It’s all in the body language,” with one person joking: “It’s brave of you “To assume it’s me.” I even managed to ask her out in the first place.

Payton says queer women can form incredibly close relationships with each other because they have many shared experiences navigating the world, blurring the lines of romance and friendship. She says to PS: “If you manage to build this very deep connection with each other, And They can be both physically and romantically attracted to each other, but there may be a little fuzziness. Not always! But sometimes.”

Below are expert-backed tips on how to avoid entering the friend zone on a WLW date.

Experts featured in this article

Lauren Payton is the content creator and actress behind “Pain in the Neck,” a WLW vampire rom-com web series.

Angelika Koch is a certified relationship coach, life coach and meditation teacher. She is also a relationship expert for Taimi, an LGBTQ+ dating app.

How to avoid bestie vibes on a WLW date

Treat her like a person

This may sound incredibly obvious, but that’s because it’s not necessarily just about respecting someone (which, of course, you should). Instead, we want to treat your date like a human and not a “cute little thing.” Payton says, “Make sure you treat your date like a human adult, not a small dog. When giving a compliment, don’t raise your voice or be overly flattery.”

Many women, especially younger generations, feel that stepping makes you look like a “scary man,” Payton says. But she adds: “You’re not a scary man. You’ve never been that before. You never will be either. Talk to any WLW and you will know that she would love a woman to flirt with her. Even if that’s not the case.” When it comes to training, it’s a different experience when a woman flirts with someone and a man flirts with someone.

The goal is to create a real human connection and learn more about who you’re dating. So be sure to actively listen and engage.

Don’t be a yes man

Payton advises against being a yes man. In other words, don’t rave about everything she says, have your own opinion and politely push back. It will be difficult to move the conversation forward if you find yourself agreeing with everything she says just to avoid potential disagreements.

Payton points out that if you truly agree with something, you can always provide more context as to why. “Agree and complement,” she says. “Move the conversation forward. Improvisation is for everyone!”

Be as aware as possible

Many WLWs doubt when they’re actually being flirted with, so it’s important to be direct. If you are looking for a real partnership or something specific, be open and honest. Sure, it’s a lot easier to say than to do, but unfortunately not even women can read your mind. Beating around the bush can land you in the friend zone.

“Many women might misinterpret this as wanting a friendship and nothing more. Tell them that you find them attractive and would like to get to know them better on the next date,” says relationship coach Angelika Koch. “When dating, make sure to be as obvious as possible with your flirtations. Avoid using platonic words like “pretty” or “nice.” Instead, use flirty words like “attractive,” “beautiful,” “sexy,” “cute,” and “cute.”

Compliment who they are, not what they’re wearing

To avoid bestie vibes on a WLW date, it’s important to avoid clothing or visual compliments. Payton points out the importance of complimenting the person: “Don’t raise your voice during a compliment! Keep it as neutral as possible. A sweet compliment with some eye contact can work wonders. And if.” You’re nervous, use it! Imagine a woman talking to you and saying, “You make me nervous.”

Don’t be afraid of physical touch (with respect)

Typically, you don’t touch your friends all that often when you go out to dinner—we’re talking the kind of shiny touch that leaves you wanting more. Feel free to make it clear, because the entire goal here isn’t just to make another friend. “Touch her hand or adjust a strand of her hair while making eye contact,” says Koch. “It’s refreshing to be direct because it leaves no room for questions and lets the woman know your intentions.”

For those who are afraid to be honest, it can’t hurt to just ask directly if you can make a difference. “If you want to do something about her, but there’s a little voice in the back of your head that’s doubting you, you can always ask her directly,” Payton says. “The question ‘Can I hold your hand?’ There’s something very heart-pounding about it. “Can I kiss you?” ‘Is that okay?'”

What not to do on a WLW date

Ultimately, it takes time to build a real relationship as a WLW. If you’re at the end of a date and aren’t sure where you want it to go, there are a few phrases you should avoid, according to Koch, such as: “Let’s hang out again” or “I love hanging out with you.” .” Koch adds, “This gives the impression that you’re with a friend rather than someone you might be considering as a potential partner.”

The conclusion

If you’re thinking about what you want to feel or experience on a date – how you want to be treated or what you want someone to say – maybe try some of these out. You want her to feel like she’s the only one on your mind right now. Be clear and purposeful and avoid the yes-man mentality. Second date, here we come.